this is why i'm better than you: December 2008

today maybe me miss myself.

the self that actually began to erase my true self. does that sound stupid. this isn't really a question.

um... hey spaz twin # 2. how have you been. it' looks like you've been really good. like life is treating you with respect and honor. i dont know. is it weird to say that i miss you? i dont know. i miss you. i miss how your face resembles debbie harry's and how people would always say to me: "you mean the girl who looks like blondie?" and i'd say:" no. blondie's a band." i remember how we would have to go to english class early cause if the buss and how we'd just either sleep or just goof off and shit. we'd never have our essays done or our reading and we'd spend the whole class passing notes and just fucking being awesome. remember how our reader said brain tear, but it was suppose to say, brian tear. he hated that. he'd separate us and not allow us to sit together. i remember how you missed class after that guy committed suicide and how i'd never had heard of him and how the teacher didn't want to accept that excuse and i was like, well she's obviously hurt, stop being a bitch ms. teacher. i remember how i would say dumb things in class like "omg! i totally see kate moss in your abstract drawing!" and you'd just turn around and look at me holding in laughter. wow. i was 18. i miss how you made me feel special. i like how somehow we still are friends. i hope all is well with you like it appears and i hope you are happy.

i told you this would be here.

socializing. The term socialization is used by sociologists, social psychologists and educationalists to refer to the process of learning one’s culture and how to live within it. For the individual it provides the skills and habits necessary for acting and participating within their society. For the society, inducting all individual members into its moral norms, attitudes, values, motives, social roles, language and symbols is the ‘means by which social and cultural continuity are attained’.

i like my co-workers. i gather they like me. i like the interaction that i have in my life with them.

only 24 hrs. ago

serious conversation. emotions thought out and spoke of. hugs. realities. truths and frustrations. robert downey jr.. being in a harmony korine film and not knowing it. the truth about being handicapped. justin timberlake. beyonce. snl. taco faces. eyeball tattoos. tattoo removal. stupid people. stupid girls. narcoleptic puppies. tired cubs. child birth. pizza for lunch and dinner. a confident day at work. at slumber party of sorts. a realization that i'm broke. & screwed.

-signed, someone

who wants to see a movie tonight?

idol no.584

he always seems to have the answers. even stevies mom thinks so.

i heart you too. jealousy.

except for last monday where my heart was a burning ball of anger and passive aggressive treats.

liked how i said gayder so no one knows who i'm talking about? yeah. secret coder. awesome.

matchmaker, macthmaker

find me a find,
catch me a catch,

or i'm gonna blow my head off.

-love, me

deep breaths of fresh air.

this current weekend has been an amazing blur of conversations, experiences, tastes & feelings. you've gotta start to work better on no longer putting yourself in a rut. there's just simply no reason for you to be the way you are and for you to stretch your moods the way you do. stop it. and enjoy the moment even if it's killing you & making you feel stupid or unloved or unwelcomed or just any fucking thing. enjoy it, because it's better than being dead.

we've all been there, but cant go.

where you'd just love to climb into the screen and bring just that one person with you.

idol no.163

frustration

tension.

i miss you all. and others too.

david.

first off. why aren't you sucking my dick? but no, i kid. today was not a very successful day for my emotions, dude. like seriously it feels like everything i've been laying down foundation for is totally being like ripped to shreds by a tornado or something. it really sucks shit. besides work (and all the stuff that goes with it) nothing real big has been happening. but thats a lie. i think that if you were here to witness it you would be shocked to see everything thats going on and yet still i feel like theres nothing. it would be awesome if i could come and visit you for x mas, man. i feel like avoiding that particular day. also i know i said there was a package for you on its way (and it still is), but let me know if theres anything particular you need or want. i'll get it fo sho. you're gonna die when you do get the package for sure. and dont fucking bug me about it either, i said before the end of december you'd get it. but now that i think about it i think i said i would send it to you in a week. i dont know. you'll get it. promise. hope the winter herpes doesn't have you down. if so, keep in mind that you're smarter than like everyone i know so it's okay. whats going down with school. have they had you get maced yet?! i need pics of it when it goes down.

toodles,
brandon
ps. and watch your teeth next time dude i dont need you scuffing up my dick.

normally.

this is not how i want to feel or be, but currently it's all i want. and "by myself" i mean surrounded by people who make me feel amazing. there are moments that i shovel everyone into a hole and light it on fire. work was one of those moments. for no reason except my own delusions.

...

its barely been a week since i've told myself things are gonna be alright & yet i've completely forgotten that they will be. i made that day the way it was and all i have to do is continue to do it to the rest. everything is gonna be alright. eventually. with real effort.

feel in my blank.

tomorrow

lately & always

question of my week

is it better to tap out or be pulled out of the ring? is it better to just give in and let it be what it is ? i'm starting to feel it is. i'm starting to feel it's the only way. i'm at the point of not wanting to work like this any more.

the only thing i bought.

@ the cca fair i was a part of ,besides this really random, yet super nice & cool, wooden frame within a wooden frame w/ a wooden block in the center. rere n me made 300 hundred + bucks, where were you? i didn't see you there. go die. after you come to our next fair.

it's a zine by the way. support these dudes and dudettes. they were like kinda nice in a sea of people who weren't so nice at the fair. but no, really they were tre cute and had good taste in music. for a good price. i'm gonna blow my fav page up into a poster for my room. i dont know if that skirts the line of borrowing someone else's work, but who cares.

thingsthatareyellow.blogspot.com

bmw ben.

i owe you a drink for sunday night. i owe you a high five for being so fuckin' dope. speed on.

effort & a little alcohol

if you want to feel like a part of something you have to put in your part. the past two nights i have learned a lot about myself and others, others that for a long time i have continuously kept at bay. that was soooo stupid of me to do. i mean it's not like i've been sitting around being a triple shot depresso, like some other people who will not be called out here, but most likely on myspace. but i have put up boundaries that have stopped me from having the best fucking time of my life with a few cool people. so from now on effort & a little alcohol wont hurt. nothing but my bank account.

love, apparently someone whose been a new happier lighter person the past few days.

why is it so hard for me to finish reading this

i really like you.

& the things you know. but alas...

refusal to capitalize

i along with a little girl who will not be called celia will refuse to capitalize. except what isn't already manually capitalized by the site. you wanna join our brigade? well you cant. cause you aren't attractive enough.

ugh you.

why is it that people are irritating. why is it that people just cant read things the way they really are. why is it that people expect you to be there for them for everything that really doesn't matter. why is it that people think their problems are really problems. why is it that people assume that they matter. why is it that they just dont get it. why dont they just get their fucking shit together and get over themselves and go fucking have a god damn milkshake or something. cause i really dont effin' know, dude. seriously. stop being all lame and shit. cause you can & will be drop like your one of britney's babies.

signed, someone who isn't like you. you, being this irritating person.

goodbye celia.

i'm really happy for you dooder and i hope you have the time of your life down in the guat. we will be getting some mcy d's before you dip out. also we will talk about whats gonna happen n the coming 5 months if you're still down, cause i know fo sho i will be.

frankie.

i'm sorry i didn't say good bye to you the way i normally do on solano. say hello to "college brandon". i dont think you all have met. he's kinda different from "solano brandon", but not really. he isn't always fair. but he still likes you all the same.

-signed, "solano brandon"

tomorrow.

a big day for me. come support me. and allison.

cca oakland campus. holiday fair. 11-3. yay. brand.

wallets. tote bags. pencil cases. coin purses. hankies. cute shit.

bring yo self and some money.